I know this was a weight journal originally, but I just want to write whatever I need to here. And, this is something I need to write.
First of all, please know that my thoughts are with all of the victims of this scandal and their families.
For some reason, the coverage of this scandal has me listening to ESPN Radio as if this is a train wreck. I can't seem to get enough, just because I am in such deep disbelief that this is happening. There are so many levels of "wrongdoing" that I keep thinking I'll get information that will change the complexion of the story. The only information that would do that, though, is if the accusations of the sexual abuse are retracted because the actions never happened. Nothing else would come close.
Here is my opinion regarding those playing a role in this based ONLY on what I've heard through the media. I haven't been to Penn State nor do have any known connections to Penn State, so the media is my only connection.
Jerry Sandusky: No words can appropriately convey the contempt I have for his behaviors.
Mike McQueary: Why did it not occur to you to SAVE THE CHILD as you witnessed him being assaulted by Sandusky? Not understanding your actions, or lack thereof.
John McQueary: How dare you tell your adult son to leave the area after he explains to you the horrors he just witnessed! He could have gone back to help the child and stop the activities.
Any Staff/Faculty/Administration To Whom This Was Reported: You are NOT so important that you can make decisions based on these reports. THAT IS WHAT THE POLICE ARE THERE FOR! NO campus policy trumps the LAW. There, inevitably, is a MANDATED REPORTER among you. How dare you "protect" your reputation and staff as opposed to caring for anything/anyone else!
Penn State's Current PR Staff: Not mentioning this scandal does NOT make it magically disappear. Your reputation is dropping minute by minute by NOT talking about this and by NOT making some kind of comment regarding the victims and the actions that MUST be made by your institution.
Those rallying for Coach Paterno: Please re-direct your "hero worship" to people in your community who care, like the police that cuffed and took away Jerry Sandusky.
Members of the Penn State football team: You are in a crappy position and I am sorry that you are involved. You should still be able to play the game you have trained and focused on for so long. You are caught in the middle of this, and your position isn't enviable.
Thanks for letting me vent. I've been listening to coverage here and hope that I got the facts right. I will continue to listen with hopes that this NEVER happens again.
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
September 11th, 2001
This past weekend, we all saw a spike in coverage of 9/11 for the tenth anniversary of the events. I watched a ton of the shows, from documentaries to dramatizations. I watch them every year and own one particularly moving one on DVD. I thought I'd share my thoughts about it all here.
Where I was:
Laying in bed, I could hear the phone answering machine click on and could hear Mom, already at her office, telling me to pick up the phone. Lazily, I rolled out & picked up the phone. She began telling me of a plane crashing into a building in New York City. Now, this wasn't unusual for Mom. Knowing how I feared plane crashes and knowing how the special reports they usually bring give me nightmares, she would always call to warn me of tv coverage of these things. Yes, even at 28 I'd get a nervous feeling everywhere from these things. She told me it looked like the planes crashed deliberately. This was the first time I heard the plural "planes" and replied, "you mean, on purpose?" It was that foreign a thought to me. In retrospect, I sounded like a moron, but at that moment, it made so little sense to me. I still hadn't turned on the tv, so I'm picturing small planes in my mind with only enough room for a maniacal pilot on board. I heard a concern in Mom's voice that I hadn't heard before and ask if she's okay. She let me know that she's okay and we hang up. On my way to the room with the TV, the other phone rings. My then-fiance of 4 weeks, J.J., called the line in my room. I picked it up, knowing he was probably calling to help me through my fear of plane crashes, too. His voice also was in a state I hadn't been familiar with before. I took the cordless phone into a room with TV and turned on the set. Not knowing what I was seeing, I was very confused, but as J.J. talked me through it, it all became far too clear for me. He hung up and I sat, motionless, on the bed changing channels for different coverage, but seeing the same thing everywhere. Channels that could give me something else on a regular day were giving updates as well. VH1 was carrying CBS broadcasts instead of pacifying me with music videos. This was huge. I knew I'd have to start getting ready to go into work for my day that was to begin at 10:30 (a late day for me) but had troubles tearing myself away to take my shower. J.J. would call every so often to let me know what he'd found out. Since his office building had a local cable channel headquartered in it, he had access to watching TV there, too. During one of his calls, the news broke about fire on the Mall in Washington, D.C. I let him know of the update and he asked, "The Mall? Really?" He said he'd call me back later & hung up as if in a hurry. I thought that he just wanted to see the updates on the TV they had, but when he called back, he told me his folks were in Washington and they were staying near the Mall. My heart skipped a beat. I asked him what I could do to help him out. He gave me the phone number of where his folks were staying, so I began to call, leaving messages requesting that they return the calls to J.J. so he knows all is okay with them. As this is happening, NBC is now scrolling government agencies that are evacuating in downtown Chicago. At the time, I was working for government, so I called my office to see if this was happening there, too. The clerical staff I spoke with huffed and puffed, thinking I was trying to get out of work. "Of course you have to come in! We aren't closing!" Okay...okay! Didn't need any attitude, but thought everyone was a bit emotional. I was now ready to leave for work when I saw what I had thought was impossible. I was on the phone with J.J. for the last talk before I was to leave when all I could get out of my mouth was, "Oh, wow! It's gone!" "What's gone?" "The tower. It's just plain gone!" My jaw dropped as I watched the tower drop into a fog of debris covering everything and everybody. I had to leave this coverage and get to work, not knowing hat was happening there. As I walked into the ofiice, I remember seeing my then-manager, Judy, give me a weak "hi" from the corner of the office hovering over a radio she was listening to everything on. My co-workers were asking what coverage was like and some were letting me know that the conference rooms down in our basement were showing the news, too. I was relaying all I was seeing while keeping my ears open to Judy's radio. The audio wasn't doing it justice. It was too unbelievable to be conveyed that way. About 30 minutes into my workday, the order was given: evacuate the building and make sure that before you do, you have an emergency phone tree for further notices. What? We were really evacuating? Just being sent home? Now, my heart is racing. After all, do they know of a threat to this place specifically? I was put in charge of the phone tree as everyone was leaving, but people were out so fast, it was tough to make sure all had phone numbers. I got into my car, but took my time getting to it. Looking up, I saw the pale blue sky with nothing in it. Not a cloud. not a plane. This was a rarity. After all, we aren't far at all from O'Hare Airport, one of the busiest in the nation. There were ALWAYS planes.
As I drive away from work, I wondered what I was to do. I drove through downtown Wheaton on m way home, which wasn't unusual. What WAS unusual was the amount of passengers getting off of the trains! Huge crowds coming home so early. I recognized a face as someone who used to work at the Health Department with me and asked what was going on. She, too, was evacuated as were most skyscrapers in Chicago. This crowd was the result of that. I continued on after finding out she had a ride home. When I made it to Roosevelt Road, I looked through the clear sky. It was such a pale blue that it was almost white. There is one elevated section of road that, on a clear enough day, one can see the skyline of Chicago from. I was terrified as my eyes fixed on the Sears Tower. After all, was I to be witness to another attack? No one knew.
Sorry, but I need to take a break from this. To Be Continued...
Where I was:
Laying in bed, I could hear the phone answering machine click on and could hear Mom, already at her office, telling me to pick up the phone. Lazily, I rolled out & picked up the phone. She began telling me of a plane crashing into a building in New York City. Now, this wasn't unusual for Mom. Knowing how I feared plane crashes and knowing how the special reports they usually bring give me nightmares, she would always call to warn me of tv coverage of these things. Yes, even at 28 I'd get a nervous feeling everywhere from these things. She told me it looked like the planes crashed deliberately. This was the first time I heard the plural "planes" and replied, "you mean, on purpose?" It was that foreign a thought to me. In retrospect, I sounded like a moron, but at that moment, it made so little sense to me. I still hadn't turned on the tv, so I'm picturing small planes in my mind with only enough room for a maniacal pilot on board. I heard a concern in Mom's voice that I hadn't heard before and ask if she's okay. She let me know that she's okay and we hang up. On my way to the room with the TV, the other phone rings. My then-fiance of 4 weeks, J.J., called the line in my room. I picked it up, knowing he was probably calling to help me through my fear of plane crashes, too. His voice also was in a state I hadn't been familiar with before. I took the cordless phone into a room with TV and turned on the set. Not knowing what I was seeing, I was very confused, but as J.J. talked me through it, it all became far too clear for me. He hung up and I sat, motionless, on the bed changing channels for different coverage, but seeing the same thing everywhere. Channels that could give me something else on a regular day were giving updates as well. VH1 was carrying CBS broadcasts instead of pacifying me with music videos. This was huge. I knew I'd have to start getting ready to go into work for my day that was to begin at 10:30 (a late day for me) but had troubles tearing myself away to take my shower. J.J. would call every so often to let me know what he'd found out. Since his office building had a local cable channel headquartered in it, he had access to watching TV there, too. During one of his calls, the news broke about fire on the Mall in Washington, D.C. I let him know of the update and he asked, "The Mall? Really?" He said he'd call me back later & hung up as if in a hurry. I thought that he just wanted to see the updates on the TV they had, but when he called back, he told me his folks were in Washington and they were staying near the Mall. My heart skipped a beat. I asked him what I could do to help him out. He gave me the phone number of where his folks were staying, so I began to call, leaving messages requesting that they return the calls to J.J. so he knows all is okay with them. As this is happening, NBC is now scrolling government agencies that are evacuating in downtown Chicago. At the time, I was working for government, so I called my office to see if this was happening there, too. The clerical staff I spoke with huffed and puffed, thinking I was trying to get out of work. "Of course you have to come in! We aren't closing!" Okay...okay! Didn't need any attitude, but thought everyone was a bit emotional. I was now ready to leave for work when I saw what I had thought was impossible. I was on the phone with J.J. for the last talk before I was to leave when all I could get out of my mouth was, "Oh, wow! It's gone!" "What's gone?" "The tower. It's just plain gone!" My jaw dropped as I watched the tower drop into a fog of debris covering everything and everybody. I had to leave this coverage and get to work, not knowing hat was happening there. As I walked into the ofiice, I remember seeing my then-manager, Judy, give me a weak "hi" from the corner of the office hovering over a radio she was listening to everything on. My co-workers were asking what coverage was like and some were letting me know that the conference rooms down in our basement were showing the news, too. I was relaying all I was seeing while keeping my ears open to Judy's radio. The audio wasn't doing it justice. It was too unbelievable to be conveyed that way. About 30 minutes into my workday, the order was given: evacuate the building and make sure that before you do, you have an emergency phone tree for further notices. What? We were really evacuating? Just being sent home? Now, my heart is racing. After all, do they know of a threat to this place specifically? I was put in charge of the phone tree as everyone was leaving, but people were out so fast, it was tough to make sure all had phone numbers. I got into my car, but took my time getting to it. Looking up, I saw the pale blue sky with nothing in it. Not a cloud. not a plane. This was a rarity. After all, we aren't far at all from O'Hare Airport, one of the busiest in the nation. There were ALWAYS planes.
As I drive away from work, I wondered what I was to do. I drove through downtown Wheaton on m way home, which wasn't unusual. What WAS unusual was the amount of passengers getting off of the trains! Huge crowds coming home so early. I recognized a face as someone who used to work at the Health Department with me and asked what was going on. She, too, was evacuated as were most skyscrapers in Chicago. This crowd was the result of that. I continued on after finding out she had a ride home. When I made it to Roosevelt Road, I looked through the clear sky. It was such a pale blue that it was almost white. There is one elevated section of road that, on a clear enough day, one can see the skyline of Chicago from. I was terrified as my eyes fixed on the Sears Tower. After all, was I to be witness to another attack? No one knew.
Sorry, but I need to take a break from this. To Be Continued...
Thursday, August 04, 2011
A blog that began about physical weight...
Emotional weight and baggage can be just as troubling as the physical stuff. Although this isn't news to me, it still boggles my mind. My mind, however, has had an easier time of staying boggled lately.
One thing people think about when others are unemployed is that it must be nice to have so much spare time on one's hands. Sadly, the spare time is excessive, only feeding the brain with moments to ponder tons of crap with. That is the pitfall I have to recover myself from. Too much time to think.
When I leave the house, I inevitably spend money that I cannot afford to spend. Whether it's adding a few things to the grocery list or buying a meal, it's money that need to stay in our pockets...just to leap from them when bill paying time arrives. I adore spending the extra time with the pups, though! If I was physically able to walk them, I don't think I"d be complaining as much about the time. I would be able to get some exercise & spend time with them all at the same time. However, I don't have the money to get the pups and I into obedience classes and without those, I cannot handle the two of them solo. Hubby gets up & walks them daily, so that is bonding time away from me, which really does break my heart. Can't seem to win on that one.
Trying to get things done around the house with the pups can be challenging, but I try sometimes. At other times, I think, "why bother?" and know that my depression has crept in once again.
I really don't know what to do this time. I thought I'd be employed by now. I am on my 3rd extension of unemployment and still struggling to find work. I really wish I knew how long this was going to last. Anyone have a crystal ball????
One thing people think about when others are unemployed is that it must be nice to have so much spare time on one's hands. Sadly, the spare time is excessive, only feeding the brain with moments to ponder tons of crap with. That is the pitfall I have to recover myself from. Too much time to think.
When I leave the house, I inevitably spend money that I cannot afford to spend. Whether it's adding a few things to the grocery list or buying a meal, it's money that need to stay in our pockets...just to leap from them when bill paying time arrives. I adore spending the extra time with the pups, though! If I was physically able to walk them, I don't think I"d be complaining as much about the time. I would be able to get some exercise & spend time with them all at the same time. However, I don't have the money to get the pups and I into obedience classes and without those, I cannot handle the two of them solo. Hubby gets up & walks them daily, so that is bonding time away from me, which really does break my heart. Can't seem to win on that one.
Trying to get things done around the house with the pups can be challenging, but I try sometimes. At other times, I think, "why bother?" and know that my depression has crept in once again.
I really don't know what to do this time. I thought I'd be employed by now. I am on my 3rd extension of unemployment and still struggling to find work. I really wish I knew how long this was going to last. Anyone have a crystal ball????
Monday, February 14, 2011
Weight-y Issues
I know that my weight is impacted by my depression. It is not a stretch of the imagination to think that the more I get down, the more trips I make to the fridge. Also, depression keeps me at home. I don't like leaving the house a lot when m depression "flares up" and I have access to my kitchen all day long.
Another issue that plays a part in this is my unemployment. I stay at home and wish I was elsewhere, bringing me down...starting the cycle.
Trying to break this cycle requires a lot of planning...and, eventually, DOING. The planning part I'm pretty good about. I plan a ton of things. It's the taking action that is tougher. There is always a great excuse out there for not doing something.
I've passed on many things in life because the main reason I don't do things is that they pose too large a risk to me. At least, that's what I think. I didn't fly in a plane for years because of that fear. Then, I got to such a low point in life that I didn't really mind if I died, as long as it was while trying to live. I got aboard a plane headed to Las Vegas, held on tight, and loved it! Coming back, our flight hit such turbulence that people were gasping loudly & throwing up. Even Hubby, who didn't mind flying, was getting rather tense. I dug my head into my headphones to concentrate on the humor of "Blades of Glory" so I could put all other sounds out of my head. It was terrifying, but we made it. That flight taught me to handle turbulence (though it still isn't a favorite time in the air for me) and I overcame most of my fear of flying. It takes me just ACTING on it rather than thinking of it and planning all of the time. However, with my unemployment and other current situations, all I feel I can do is plan.
Planning to diet & planning to exercise is simple. Actually, I don't mind exercising! I really like it and would rather do that than diet any day, but I know I need both. Dieting is really rough when I am at home. Have to work on psyching myself up for that one!
I hate how everything impacts my weight!
Another issue that plays a part in this is my unemployment. I stay at home and wish I was elsewhere, bringing me down...starting the cycle.
Trying to break this cycle requires a lot of planning...and, eventually, DOING. The planning part I'm pretty good about. I plan a ton of things. It's the taking action that is tougher. There is always a great excuse out there for not doing something.
I've passed on many things in life because the main reason I don't do things is that they pose too large a risk to me. At least, that's what I think. I didn't fly in a plane for years because of that fear. Then, I got to such a low point in life that I didn't really mind if I died, as long as it was while trying to live. I got aboard a plane headed to Las Vegas, held on tight, and loved it! Coming back, our flight hit such turbulence that people were gasping loudly & throwing up. Even Hubby, who didn't mind flying, was getting rather tense. I dug my head into my headphones to concentrate on the humor of "Blades of Glory" so I could put all other sounds out of my head. It was terrifying, but we made it. That flight taught me to handle turbulence (though it still isn't a favorite time in the air for me) and I overcame most of my fear of flying. It takes me just ACTING on it rather than thinking of it and planning all of the time. However, with my unemployment and other current situations, all I feel I can do is plan.
Planning to diet & planning to exercise is simple. Actually, I don't mind exercising! I really like it and would rather do that than diet any day, but I know I need both. Dieting is really rough when I am at home. Have to work on psyching myself up for that one!
I hate how everything impacts my weight!
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Snow day!
Being unemployed means I have no struggle getting to work, so a snow day is just another day at home, cuddled in flannel and trying to stay warm without having to stay fashionable.
My problem with staying in all the time is access to food! I'm feeling truly hungry on a regular basis and have the ability to walk down the stairs to the pantry whenever I get the urge.
There are a couple of things that help me when I get this way (though they aren't surefire):
My problem with staying in all the time is access to food! I'm feeling truly hungry on a regular basis and have the ability to walk down the stairs to the pantry whenever I get the urge.
There are a couple of things that help me when I get this way (though they aren't surefire):
- Drink really cold water by the liter. I fill up on this and slosh my way around the house!
- Instead of going to the fridge/pantry, detour to the Wii and be active!
- Make sure the fruit & veggie bins are filled so I don't snack on sugary stuff.
Monday, January 31, 2011
If only...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Not 100% Ready...But Getting There
The thing about dieting & losing weight, for me, is that I do some parts before I try to augment the plan. For example, I am working out rather regularly. I love it & want to take advantage of the time I have while unemployed to do so. Once I get a job, it may be more difficult to fit it in to my schedule, but I'll cross that bridge once I get to it. I love the Wii workouts that I do on Active 2 and the NFL Training Camp. Plus, I love being active on my days off of those with the dance games on Wii, too! It's an investment, but well worth it!
As of now, though, I haven't changed my eating habits (as evidenced by my Facebook status last night of needing pizza). Stress still influences me to run to the fridge or, worse yet, the grocery store while hungry. Sadly, so does boredom. Hubby & I are planning the grocery shopping for the first week of using the FoodMover again, and I'm excited to do so. I just have to be ready to run with it.
Here's an admission I bet you didn't expect...I LOVE FOOD! Yep, I said it. I don't know if I'm a food addict, but I do know that I love the stuff! I love socializing over it. I love trying new foods. I love going out with Hubby for meals. I love the all-you-can-eat Las Vegas buffets! I've even dreamed of fast foods bouncing across my point of view when dieting (no joke!). Hubby said I was downright adorable, mumbling "Chicken wings...tacos...Portillo's...pizza" one night when we had been on our diet years ago. The funny thing is, though I do love fast food, I love slow food, too. And, I love me some veggies! Okay...getting hungry...gotta stop talking about this so much!
Truth is, I have to get ready for the process of dieting, but can't take too long in doing so. After all, this is my health & happiness. It's a fine balance that I know many people go through. To them and to myself, good luck!
As of now, though, I haven't changed my eating habits (as evidenced by my Facebook status last night of needing pizza). Stress still influences me to run to the fridge or, worse yet, the grocery store while hungry. Sadly, so does boredom. Hubby & I are planning the grocery shopping for the first week of using the FoodMover again, and I'm excited to do so. I just have to be ready to run with it.
Here's an admission I bet you didn't expect...I LOVE FOOD! Yep, I said it. I don't know if I'm a food addict, but I do know that I love the stuff! I love socializing over it. I love trying new foods. I love going out with Hubby for meals. I love the all-you-can-eat Las Vegas buffets! I've even dreamed of fast foods bouncing across my point of view when dieting (no joke!). Hubby said I was downright adorable, mumbling "Chicken wings...tacos...Portillo's...pizza" one night when we had been on our diet years ago. The funny thing is, though I do love fast food, I love slow food, too. And, I love me some veggies! Okay...getting hungry...gotta stop talking about this so much!
Truth is, I have to get ready for the process of dieting, but can't take too long in doing so. After all, this is my health & happiness. It's a fine balance that I know many people go through. To them and to myself, good luck!
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